Fixing a broken heart...

I wish I know how....An old friend of mine called me out for dinner on tuesday. I have not met him for a very long time. In fact, we seldom meet up. I first met him in IRC 8 years ago and since then I only meet him less than 10 times. As usual, "wu shi bu den shang bao dian", people who called me out of the blue must have something up their sleeves, and what is under his sleeves is... his gf just broke off with him. It has been very very long since I need to comfort any body... plus I simply do not know how to with my condition. He is already crying... I guess I do not want to be crying too right? He called me a couple of time, saying he has panic attack... there is simply too many things in his room that reminded him of his gf. I tried asking him to pack it away, but I guess it need alot of strength to really move a muscle to do that. Today, I asked him out for a movie... accompany him the whole day... its more tiring than I thought it would be... having to handle his emotion outbust... I need to control myself from touching my own wound. Many time, I tired to control my tears from rolling down (scare my eyeliner runs lah, ke ke), althought the heart felt nothing.

He kept asking me how I had dealt with my break off... I simply do not know how to answer him- don't think about it?; don't look and poke at the wound?; don't speak about it?; I simply don't know. I tried to console him the common ways:
1) don't think about choose happiness (which I know its all crap, it won't work with a person who is upset)

2) hold on to the happiness you once have and don't think this is a lost (I hope he still have happy memories.. mine was totally destory by him... everytime I thought of the happy memories... I simply can't help hating it)

3) let her go, and watch over her as friend. ( Its easy said than done... if its so easy I won't be unhappy for the past 8 years of christmas. But by the end of the day, is that whhat called love?)

4) no other way... time will heal everything- human beings are forgetful creature... scared of loneiness, one day the place will be replace by another person and you will forget what has happened....

To fix a broken heart... I wish I knew... if I knew... I won't be feeling this pain.... 想做乐观的人,
每种雨声听了都不冷, 我并不是天生爱寂寞, 却比任何人都多, 就算把世界给我, 我还是一无所有
我要快乐, 我要能睡的安稳, 有些人不抱了才温暖, 离开了才不恨我早应该割舍, 我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声, 心不是热的全都是假的, 我的决定是对的... 我要快乐...

Life is so bored...

till I start bumming into forums..... www.ohgenki.com, caught my attention because of the Shout out box where people can live chat in the forum... at least you still can felt that your are alive, someone is talking to you and you are interating with someone, 'hoping' to expend your social circle, but the truth is all you want is to find means to waste your time away...its been 5 years since I stop going to MIRC.... I used to go to Mirc and spend many hours chatting non-stop to people that I hardly know who they are, where they from. Meet 2 of my boyfriends there... one which I was with for 4 years till the relationship has been a stand still, so the only routes we have is either to get married or break off. Since neither of us is at the marriage stage we broke off... along came my next bf which I know him also online together with my bf of 4 years.... told me all sort of crap of how much he had loved me since the day we knew each other... in the end its a bunch of bullshit... not only that broke my heart to million pieces....

Sometime I wonder why there is so many people online... spending hours chatting nonsence topics... I guess is...

1)loneliness- a desire to ensure yourself that you are still alive... and people can still know you exist... coz life is too bored to be talking to yourself.... to do things on your own...

2) Boredness- a desire to make yourself feel alive in the silence world of yours... creating a different personality that you wish you are... speaking out loud to people who do not know who you about your problems, in return to get console from them.

Conclusion: human being are just scared of loneliness and boredness....

Not only I have been bumming in forum... i find myself constantly hanging out at timbre... n getting myself drunk with my gfs.... for the first few time, I and unice was there early for dinner... and before I ever get to listen to timmy play, we are already high.... the last 2nd time i went with gabra, also went there for dinner, and only manage to hear timmy play one set and both of us already drunk.... finally last friday I get to hear Timmy play!!! Was there after the movie date with eunice, usually it will be pack if we don't reserve any seats... but thanks to eunice who insisted that we go there to try our luck... indeed we are lucky to have a table (the group that reserve did not turn up after 30min). 3 of us - me, xin n eunice drank 3 bottle!!! can die... nowsaday I tried not to get myself too drunk... coz if I'm too drunk its very hard to control my emotion... and I don't want to get to there either... prehaps thats what people say choose to be happy.... I choose not to surface my dark angel...

I know the way....

I know the way... I know the way... I once told a friend... when one is walking in the maze its because one trap inside himself in it... he is the creator of the maze...he chooses who the players are in his game of maze... who to listen when he is in the maze... and he is the only one who knows the way out of the maze.... I have created my own maze.... and I know the way... but yet why I keep walking inside this maze? After reading a friend blog, I realise its not a matter of choice:

" ... others told me not to hold on to the past and let it control me. I hate this advice every single time i hear it.

I let you guys know once and for all, for every darn moment of half of my life, I have been trying my darnest best to let go. No one in her sane state would insist and persist in wanting to be miserable. Dont tell me how i should feel and what i should do because I have been trying my very best to do what you suggested because I know how to heal. I am also human and know how to lick my wounds."

I felt the same way as she felt.... but like she said memories cant be wiped out like cleaning out a thumbdrive... I hate myself repeating to friends... coz I know they have no patience for such behaviour I'm behaving now... they find me childish, stubborness to denial happiness. Yet, I long for someone to hold my hand and breath with me. If a person's emotion and brain as what kiat said can wired to other places, what make us human different from a non living computer? If emotion can control... why is it still called emotion?

I know by the end of the day... its not my refusal to move from the same spot that I left myself... rather I'm tired to explain to them and wanting them to understand that I'M TIRED! I'm emotionally and spiritually tired and these tiredness unlike physical which one can just rest and it will automatically gain back... it can't! And, every now and then when there is a need for emotion and when I start using it.. its just drain off that little bit that I have and I'm all back to the same spot crying out loud for help! And, when that happened friends will just reprimary me that I'm still stuck my butt at the same spot... refusing to let go of the pain...

I guess its hard for people to understand each other... so at time like this... I realise that I have no friends or can I say close friends that will understand the inner me, or understand me deep enough to know how I felt... that was another defeat that I realise... after walking 26 years of your life.... what have I achieve? Althought, friends are around you for years... yet none really understand me at all... or have I failed to let them see the real me... and when I did really let them see the inner me - weak, sensitive, emotional- they say I'm just been childish... actually I'm a water baby, anythings around can bring tears- a talk about the death of so-and-so, the old lady sitting there collecting drink cans, a song, even when I'm scolding someone... I am detached from this world, too idealistic, too nauve and too frail to withstand the brute of human nature.
That is the reason why I never catch any war genre movies... I remember once I watched "the Raising Sun" and "Black hawk down", I was crying like mad as each scene cuts and freeze my heart... and I keep asking myself they are human alike... how can they do such a inhuman behaviour to another human being....

I know the way... I know the way out of this maze I trap myself... its to keep quiet and stay in there... even when want to cry out for help.... also have to keep quiet... there is no one there to help you... so keep quiet as I shall stay... no point seeking for someone to understand... as no one will... they will only see you as not letting go of the pain, a foul that forseek happiness... but I know.... I'm moving on with my life... just part of me is left behind... no one will know the difference in me... no one will know that once that was part of me was left behind masked by those smiling face of mine...